I know for a fact Allah brought me to this blog because this is a story of mine I wanted to share for a while. During my first year of college I met a guy in my dorm and we started off just as friends. He wasn't Muslim. I did have a little crush on him but ignored that fact and hung out, studied and went out to eat with him amongst a group of friends. Luckily we kept a halal friendship for a while especially since we hung out amongst others. He was very respectful and even though he had a crush on me as well he never made a move on me and we still managed to remain great friends. Things eventually took a turn. At the end of the school year we admitted to liking each other and when we started hanging out again when school was back in session we started to get a little bit too comfortable with each other. We started hanging out alone with each other, became more flirtatious, calling each other nicknames and always were excited to see each other. It got too the point where every time we hung out we would give each other a kiss and would hold on to each other and embrace one another. In my head I always thought I wasn't sinning because I thought of these simple actions to be very minor. Boy was I wrong. This was my very first time interacting with a guy as such so yes I was very vulnerable being that this was something that supposedly felt magical to me at the time. When the school year was over and the summer came along he started to act really weird. So weird that it got to the point where it gave me non-stop anxiety every single day. Whenever I asked him to hang out he would always give me some excuse. He even stopped replying to some of my texts. All the compliments he gave me, love he showed me, affection all came to a stop. It got to the point where he lost interest in me and began spending more time with his other friends. That whole summer I was in distress as to why the person who meant the absolute world to me was acting in such a way that I could never have imagined. When school was back in session I had the idea that maybe things would get back to normal. Boy was I wrong again. I approached him again as to why he was acting differently and spending time with others and not me, and he claimed I was making an issue out of nothing. That whole semester I would always see him laughing and hanging out with other people and completely ignoring me every time he saw me which struck my heart with deepest pain. At this point I realized my punishment had just started. I thought about him everyday and I felt like I was tortured and tormented because of all the neglect I received from someone who was so special to me. I eventually found out he was talking to another girl and that he didn't want anything to do with me. Every time I walked passed him in school it was like he didn't even want to look at me and the hate in his heart for me was evident. I kept asking myself "Why God what did I do?", and eventually realized my sins finally creeped up on me. I spent a good 6 months dwelling on him and felt like I was being tortured everyday because I couldn't get my mind off of him. I would cry my heart out in the middle of the night on countless occasions and for a single day during that time I was never happy. It was misery at its finest. I became so numb to the point that I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere and felt like a walking zombie everyday. It never even remotely occurred to me that something like this would ever even happen. I can honestly say those 6 months of being neglected from someone who meant so much to me felt like a living hell. I repented and repented and begged Allah to get me out of this dark time and that I would promise to never engage in a haraam relationship. I repented every single day and realized exactly why this was happening to me. I became a totally different person and made it a routine to pray 5x a day. When school started again, I luckily never came across him on campus that semester and this is how I knew Allah was looking out for me. I always wanted to at least be on good terms with him and still prayed to Allah everyday to get closure. I was also realizing that when me and him kept a halal friendship in the beginning of college, times were so much better. I just kept thinking how it is haraam acts that will take a serious toll on you but if you keep things 100% halal, Allah is with you and you won't ever have to worry about anything. During that semester I one day got a random text from him after not speaking for several months. At this point I felt as if my dua came true because all I wanted was to at least get closure. He wanted to meet up and talk and when we did he sincerely apologized for his rude and neglectful behavior towards me. He also brought up how his girlfriend tried to keep him away from me as well and how they weren't together anymore. We got on good terms again and at this point my heart was in utmost peace. We started hanging out again like we did during the beginning of college and kept our friendship halal. My emotions didn't get the best of me at all and everything was going amazing with our friendship, until things took a turn again. I kept thinking about how I didn't want him to get with his ex again and how maybe if I started showing him more affection physically, more than the first time that he'll never distance himself from me again. I honestly took everything for granted at this point and I let Satan get the best of me again. This guy never initially pulled a move on me, I was the one to do it due to my insecurities of losing him and once I opened one door, than more doors of Haraam began to open. We started to get way more physical and he started to tell me things that made me feel special and how he's never going to leave me again. Life felt like so magical and at this point and I thought I had him for good and nothing could break our bond. BOY WAS I WRONG AGAIN! Karma striked again except worse. His behavior after some time eventually changed towards me again but this time he just got to the point where he cut me off abruptly and got back with his ex girlfriend. I found myself in the same black hole except the hole was 10x deeper this time. At that point I made a serious promise to myself and Allah to NEVER ENGAGE IN ANYTHING HARAAM RELATED EVERY AGAIN. This was the absolute hardest time of my life. Everyday I felt as if I was lost and I truly felt like Allah was beyond displeased with me especially since I had the opportunity to show Him gratefulness at the time but instead I allowed satan get the best of me and took everything for granted. I realized how stupid I was to have the audacity to take everything for granted. My life took a complete 360 at this point. I started attending Jummah prayer at the Masjid, started giving abundant sadaqah, prayed 5 times a day. This time around the pain was harder to get rid of and I cried to Allah almost everyday begging for forgiveness. It was really hard because I felt like I had to fake my happiness in front of my parents whereas I was nothing but a completely depressed soul. Alhamdulillah after much time things started to get way better, my feelings for him started to tone down and my heart started to finally get some peace. I started preaching to many others about my haraam relationship and shared my story and Alhamdulillah I have prevented many of my friends from getting themselves into a deep mess. At this point I was always making dua to get closure from him again because I felt like I needed it to completely move on. After around 7 months I got a text from him again. I truly felt like Allah listened to my dua again to let my heart finally get the peace I've been praying for. We met up and talked and he again apologized and we got on good terms. From that point on we remained friends and kept it strictly halal and things have been going absolutely great in our friendship. I have set way more boundaries in our friendship and we hang out with others around. Now that I've kept this friendship nothing but halal, he's shown me so much more respect and truly values our friendship. It's unfortunate it took me 2 incidents to realize the severity of the sin of haraam relationships but I'm glad the punishment brought me closer to Allah than ever before. The main thing I learned from this is that haraam relationships will truly never bring you happiness. Also, how can one expect their duas to be fulfilled if they're simultaneously displeasing Allah by engaging in a haraam relationship. From the Quran I've read "Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves". I've also read in the Quran that Allah turns far away from those who lust. Lust can truly impinge on a person's path to Allah. I hope my story can help change your outlook on haraam relationships. As written in the Quran, the Satan promises nothing but lies. - Anonymous Muslimatoday Reminder: Even though this sister has continued her friendship with this boy, she is still in great danger of falling into the same trap all over again. I advise this sister and you all to not keep close friendships with your ex, or any non mahrams in general. Your intentions might be pure, but satans promise is real, he will lead you in a path in which even you will be shocked to find yourself in. Please my sisters and brothers, keep a distance from the opposite sex, guard your heart, guard your sanity.