harm1I know for a fact Allah brought me to this blog because this is a story of mine I wanted
to share for a while. During my first year of college I met a guy in my dorm and we
started off just as friends. He wasn't Muslim. I did have a little crush on him
but ignored that fact and hung out, studied and went out to eat with him amongst a
group of friends. Luckily we kept a halal friendship for a while especially since we
hung out amongst others. He was very respectful and even though he had a crush on me
as well he never made a move on me and we still managed to remain great friends.
Things eventually took a turn. At the end of the school year we admitted to liking
each other and when we started hanging out again when school was back in session we
started to get a little bit too comfortable with each other. We started hanging out
alone with each other, became more flirtatious, calling each other nicknames and
always were excited to see each other. It got too the point where every time we hung
out we would give each other a kiss and would hold on to each other and embrace one
another. In my head I always thought I wasn't sinning because I thought of these
simple actions to be very minor. Boy was I wrong. This was my very first time
interacting with a guy as such so yes I was very vulnerable being that this was
something that supposedly felt magical to me at the time. When the school year was
over and the summer came along he started to act really weird. So weird that it got
to the point where it gave me non-stop anxiety every single day. Whenever I asked
him to hang out he would always give me some excuse. He even stopped replying to
some of my texts. All the compliments he gave me, love he showed me, affection all
came to a stop. It got to the point where he lost interest in me and began spending
more time with his other friends. That whole summer I was in distress as to why the
person who meant the absolute world to me was acting in such a way that I could
never have imagined. When school was back in session I had the idea that maybe
things would get back to normal. Boy was I wrong again. I approached him again as to
why he was acting differently and spending time with others and not me, and he
claimed I was making an issue out of nothing. That whole semester I would always see
him laughing and hanging out with other people and completely ignoring me every time
he saw me which struck my heart with deepest pain. At this point I realized my
punishment had just started. I thought about him everyday and I felt like I was
tortured and tormented because of all the neglect I received from someone who was so
special to me. I eventually found out he was talking to another girl and that he
didn't want anything to do with me. Every time I walked passed him in school it was
like he didn't even want to look at me and the hate in his heart for me was evident.
I kept asking myself "Why God what did I do?", and eventually realized my sins
finally creeped up on me. I spent a good 6 months dwelling on him and felt like I
was being tortured everyday because I couldn't get my mind off of him. I would cry my
heart out in the middle of the night on countless occasions and for a single day
during that time I was never happy. It was misery at its finest. I became so numb to
the point that I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere and felt like a walking
zombie everyday. It never even remotely occurred to me that something like this
would ever even happen. I can honestly say those 6 months of being neglected from
someone who meant so much to me felt like a living hell. I repented and repented and
begged Allah to get me out of this dark time and that I would promise to never
engage in a haraam relationship. I repented every single day and realized exactly
why this was happening to me. I became a totally different person and made it a
routine to pray 5x a day. When school started again, I luckily never came across him
on campus that semester and this is how I knew Allah was looking out for me. I
always wanted to at least be on good terms with him and still prayed to Allah
everyday to get closure. I was also realizing that when me and him kept a halal
friendship in the beginning of college, times were so much better. I just kept
thinking how it is haraam acts that will take a serious toll on you but if you keep
things 100% halal, Allah is with you and you won't ever have to worry about
anything. During that semester I one day got a random text from him after not
speaking for several months. At this point I felt as if my dua came true because all
I wanted was to at least get closure. He wanted to meet up and talk and when we did
he sincerely apologized for his rude and neglectful behavior towards me. He also
brought up how his girlfriend tried to keep him away from me as well and how they
weren't together anymore. We got on good terms again and at this point my heart was
in utmost peace. We started hanging out again like we did during the beginning of
college and kept our friendship halal. My emotions didn't get the best of me at all
and everything was going amazing with our friendship, until things took a turn
again. I kept thinking about how I didn't want him to get with his ex again and how
maybe if I started showing him more affection physically, more than the first time
that he'll never distance himself from me again. I honestly took everything for
granted at this point and I let Satan get the best of me again. This guy never
initially pulled a move on me, I was the one to do it due to my insecurities of
losing him and once I opened one door, than more doors of Haraam began to open. We
started to get way more physical and he started to tell me things that made me feel
special and how he's never going to leave me again. Life felt like so magical and at
this point and I thought I had him for good and nothing could break our bond. BOY
WAS I WRONG AGAIN! Karma striked again except worse. His behavior after some time
eventually changed towards me again but this time he just got to the point where he
cut me off abruptly and got back with his ex girlfriend. I found myself in the same
black hole except the hole was 10x deeper this time. At that point I made a serious
This was the absolute hardest time of my life. Everyday I felt as if I was lost and
I truly felt like Allah was beyond displeased with me especially since I had the
opportunity to show Him gratefulness at the time but instead I allowed satan get
the best of me and took everything for granted. I realized how stupid I was to have
the audacity to take everything for granted. My life took a complete 360 at this
point. I started attending Jummah prayer at the Masjid, started giving abundant
sadaqah, prayed 5 times a day. This time around the pain was harder to get rid of and I
cried to Allah almost everyday begging for forgiveness. It was really hard because I
felt like I had to fake my happiness in front of my parents whereas I was nothing
but a completely depressed soul. Alhamdulillah after much time things started to get
way better, my feelings for him started to tone down and my heart started to finally
get some peace. I started preaching to many others about my haraam relationship and
shared my story and Alhamdulillah I have prevented many of my friends from getting
themselves into a deep mess. At this point I was always making dua to get closure
from him again because I felt like I needed it to completely move on. After around 7
months I got a text from him again. I truly felt like Allah listened to my dua again
to let my heart finally get the peace I've been praying for. We met up and talked
and he again apologized and we got on good terms. From that point on we remained
friends and kept it strictly halal and things have been going absolutely great in
our friendship. I have set way more boundaries in our friendship and we hang out
with others around. Now that I've kept this friendship nothing but halal, he's shown
me so much more respect and truly values our friendship. It's unfortunate it took me
2 incidents to realize the severity of the sin of haraam relationships but I'm glad
the punishment brought me closer to Allah than ever before. The main thing I learned
from this is that haraam relationships will truly never bring you happiness. Also,
how can one expect their duas to be fulfilled if they're simultaneously displeasing
Allah by engaging in a haraam relationship. From the Quran I've read "Indeed Allah
will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves".
I've also read in the Quran that Allah turns far away from those who lust. Lust can
truly impinge on a person's path to Allah. I hope my story can help change your
outlook on haraam relationships. As written in the Quran, the Satan
promises nothing but lies.

- Anonymous

Muslimatoday Reminder:

Even though this sister has continued her friendship with this boy, she is still in great danger of falling
into the same trap all over again.  I advise this sister and you all to not keep close friendships with your ex, or any non mahrams in general. Your intentions might be pure, but satans promise is real, he will lead you in a path in which 
even you will be shocked to find yourself in.  Please my sisters and brothers, keep a distance from the opposite sex, 
guard your heart, guard your sanity.


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Love Maryam Yousaf

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